Thought it was suppose to get easier by now

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Thought it was suppose to get easier by now

Postby Crazy Mary » Fri Jun 11, 2010 10:52 pm

I really thought it was suppose to get easier by now. It's been 22 months and 10 days now. I still think of Bruce every single day and I still have my times of falling apart. It helps to be with the kids but it doesn't stop the feelings of total loneliness sense Bruce is gone. I go to his grave and talk to a stone. I hold his pillow at night I still tell him good night. I know I am suppose to be able to let go by now or so I'm told. But how do you do that.
I blew it today. I don't usually drink but I did this afternoon and because I couldn't fix a clock. I lost it and simply threw it across the room. I feel like I have some part of me missing and I can't get it back. I don't know what to do any more. I am suppose to be the strong one the one that every leans on. Well guess what? I'm not so strong and I illogically want my husband back. If it sounds crazy, well that's how I feel.
I want to be that person I was before but I don't seem to be able to quite reach that point before I fall apart again. I start going through his things and some memory pops in my head and I stop and can't finish. Who knows if I ever will be able to at this point.
Now I am not just doing nothing, I was going to church, I did my crafts painted etc. I even did the things that Bruce and I had wanted to do here. But it hasn't helped, I've thought of just getting in the camper and taking off but now it needs work. Pepper and I were taking walks in the park where Bruce and I use to go, but it's too hard on her now with the cancer. I wanted to go to Pow Wow but I think thats pretty much down the drain with the camper problems.
How do you get over these humps how do you get yourself back once your lost. I always say my life began the day I met Bruce.
Mary
wife of Bruce 54 years old diag.2003 symptoms since 2001. Freed of PSP on Aug. 19th 2008
Crazy Mary
 
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For Mary

Postby willru602 » Thu Jun 17, 2010 12:36 pm

Mary, this is the last place I expected to find myself today but I am so glad I came because I want to say that I understand your pain! It's only been three months, almost since I lost Will but like you, I just want to run away and hide some days.
I don't know what to do with myself after more than 10 years of caregiving..the one thing that keeps me going is knowing that God is in control and knows my void and I am trusting that He will help me to get through more difficult days ahead.
We had a happy marriage with normal ups and downs and I learned years ago how important my husband was to me...Months before he passed away, I knew that I was going to need a male figure in my life and although I felt guilty to think of such while he still lived, I began to prepare myself for the possibility that God would send me such a person. It hasn't happened yet but my heart's door is open to the one He sends...
If you would like to PM me...I'll send you my email address...we can talk freely there. And there's always the phone...that is, if you choose..
Praying for you today...Love Ru
http://photobucket.com/albums/i76/willru602/
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31
willru602
 
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