My inner thoughts are hurting

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My inner thoughts are hurting

Postby Bonkers » Thu Feb 19, 2009 9:59 am

Am feeling really down lately. And I know that I will probably always have days like this off and on. But I think it is because the days are starting to be more springlike and since I grew up on a farm----I am constantly thinking of my Dad and my Mom. I miss them so much at times. Just some little thing will spark my thoughts to overflowing of them. I think maybe it is the first few blades of green grass spiking up from the ground----and seeing the farmers all gearing up for the spring field work. My heart hurts with lonliness and the feeling of being safe within my parents hugs and smiles. I always knew that no matter what I could go to them and they would love me. No matter what. And now I feel so much like an orphaned child. I have no one to turn to that would be like my parents would be. I have no children to pass the feeling of warmth, safety and love on to. I feel so empty. And empty hurts.

I know that tomorrow will be a fresh new day and perhaps with it will come a fresh new feeling. I hope so.
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Postby Robin » Thu Feb 19, 2009 2:13 pm

I hope you can make some connections with other people as that may help bring you out of the blues. It's not a fun place to be. Good luck!
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Postby momppsp » Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:50 pm

It is tough when both parents are no longer here. Sometimes, I to, feel alone andlonely and want so bad to see or talk to them just one more time. This will pass till next time. I don't think we will ever fully be able to turn a knob and the feeling is gone. You have to connect with someone. Are you able to get out a join some sort of sports team, ie: bowling, tennis? Or some craft/quilting/crochet group. I know stores like Michaels (if you have them) has classes for different type of crafts. If your interested in home improvements, Home depot also has classes.

All this may be out of you interest but just a few thoughts.

I hope tomorrow will be better. To me clear skies just means I can see further toward heaven. Silly?
Deborah-Mom w/PSP symp 9yrs+-diag. 6/04
received her wings January 10, 2008
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Postby les » Sat Feb 21, 2009 7:22 pm

Dear Bonkers:

I hope you're feeling better. I've been trying to pray a lot lately and it seems to help somewhat. I know what you mean when you say you feel like an orphan. That's how I feel as I am not really close to my dad unfortunately. I feel like a different person now that my mom's died.

But spring is coming and hopefully it will bring sunny days and happiness for all of us. Let's cross our fingers.

Love,
Lesley
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Postby les » Mon May 11, 2009 11:12 pm

Hi everyone: I haven't been on here for awhile. I hope that's not selfish. I guess a lot of my pain has gone and I've been concentrating on my life and my daughter. I do want to help people but I still do not feel totally strong enough yet.

I still can't think of good memories of my mom without breaking down but the memories, thoughts and feelings of her suffering aren't as strong, so I guess that's a good thing.

Well summer is practically here and that's always nice.

Love,
Lesley
my mom passed away Jan 29/08 from PSP
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Postby Crazy Mary » Sat May 30, 2009 1:32 am

Personally I feel like the sadness of the loss of our loved ones just doesn't go away. Even though we are glad they are no longer suffering,the grief is just still there.
I did that first pow wow without Bruce. It was bittersweet, there were tears at his not being there with me and others missing him. Also laughter at remembering his antics. At one point there were several of the women in my booth and we were talking about how he was a flirt. Well ladies he was, but he had reasons. He flirted and the ladies would give him his cakes candies and cookies,so he got his sweets from them and then came to his sweetie. :D
I miss him horribly everyday,but this hit me several times during the three day I was there. There things that only Bruce did and I now have to remember to do them myself. I guess I'll get better at remembering as I go along. But I just about hear him saying " Lady you got CRS again"!!
At one point it was a little hot so I grabbed what I thought was a fan to set up and after a couple minutes realized I had set up a heater,not the fan. Then I forgot to set up my lights,and had to do that in the dark. I also forgot the hammer that Bruce use to refer to as his million dollar hammer. He used it to stake down the pop up,so I did have to buy one on the road.
But I'll get use to doing it by myself eventually,I hope. I depended on him for so much now I have to get back to depending on me.
I do wish I had him here to encourage me like he use to and tell me things will be alright. I think sometimes if I could just hear his voice telling me to do this or try that and that no matter what it will work out. I'd be okay. I know it sounds a little crazy,right. But he was the one who pushed me to do my arts and crafts. He was the one that framed what I referred to as a doodle and bet me he could sell it. He did exactly that,the same day he framed it. Then it just excalated from there,he would say try this or try that. Then he would put it out and someone would buy. It always amazed me how he could do that.
I was working on a piece the other night and got to thinking about how he had encouraged me to do this particular thing,it's just hard not to fall apart sometimes when working on the things he came up with.
Okay I am now going to apologize for rambling,just missing him more tonight.
Take care all
Mary
wife of Bruce 54 years old diag.2003 symptoms since 2001. Freed of PSP on Aug. 19th 2008
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Postby Robin » Sun May 31, 2009 11:24 am

Mary,
Things will get better for you. It will just take (more) time.
Robin
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