Getting started again

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Getting started again

Postby Crazy Mary » Mon Jan 05, 2009 2:25 am

I am trying honestly but I just can't seem to get it all together. I start a project and then stop. Don't get me wrong I go and I try to keep busy but it doesn't help. Personally today that saying it gets easier seems like a real crock to me.
I thought working on the pictures would help,it doesn't I just start looking for him to call my name or say something silly to pull me out of this. But he doesn't. I kind of feel okay for awhile then all of a sudden it hits me. Nothing in my life has ever hit me as hard as this. I act like it's okay with the kids otherwise they hover and I can't handle that. Some times it feels like I'm losing it totally for the first time in years I am thinking maybe I need to ask the Doc for an antidepressent. But then I think if I can't handle this without a pill what does that say about me?
I go into the grocery store and I have no idea what to get,I cooked for us for so long. What do you fix for one? It works out for the animals they are eating really good right now. Dad wants me to go to the chinese rest. Bruce liked. But you know I don't think I would know how to act, I always got his plate and towards the end I spent most of the time we were there feeding him not me. The last time we went Dad took us for my birthday at Bruce's request.
I'm definitely tired of people being afraid to talk or asking me if I'm okay. I want to say "Hell No I'm Not Okay,I Just Lost Half Of Me!!!!!!!! The Doc put me on this stupid heart monitor,I know it's probably necessary but what I wanted to tell him was that it's that my heart is broke.
I am sorry for going on but I can't let this out any where else,even though they try no one else can understand what I feel and how lost I am right now. How do you get started with a new life without what was your life? I wouldn't want Bruce here suffering like he was but God knows I miss him so much I just don't know what to do sometimes.
I have so much to be thankful for yet I feel like I'm drowning. How do you pull out of something like this?
wife of Bruce 54 years old diag.2003 symptoms since 2001. Freed of PSP on Aug. 19th 2008
Crazy Mary
Posts: 1239
Joined: Tue Mar 28, 2006 5:40 am
Location: USA

Postby les » Mon Jan 05, 2009 1:26 pm

Dear Mary:

I too felt like I was losing it for months after my mom died. I know it may be different and harder if it was a spouse you had lost but I was so so close to my mom I feel like its probably almost as hard.

I ended up going to see a doctor once a week and still do. I thought I would never feel better because I had such intense feelings of anger and pain and I felt so impatient, frustrated and it hurt so bad I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. My doctor told me you cannot rush the healing process. I just have to be patient.

On the good side, my anger is way less intense and the pain is not as intense so I guess you could say I feel a bit better but I am still not over it and I feel guilty sometimes. I wonder why am I not over this and I do not talk to hardly anyone about my mom only my doctor and my aunt because I feel embarrased and I feel like I am dwelling on it.

I think it just takes time and a lot of it so don't be hard on yourself/ Let yourself go thru the grieving and healing process. I think I am right even though I don't practice what I preach. I have to lighten up on myself too.

At least we have this forum where we can write our feelings. I think it helps to get them out

Posts: 139
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2008 3:43 pm

Postby momppsp » Mon Jan 05, 2009 6:53 pm

Honestly Mary, I was wondering when it was going to hit you. You seemed to bounce back so quick on the forum, I thought, WOW, she's doing so good. AND YOU ARE!! I, like Les, can't begin to know how it feels to lose a spouse and I truly am blessed you have allowed us to enter into this part of your life. If you feel like you need to see a doc, then go. There's no weakness in doing that for a short period to get you over the hump.

I lost my MIL 5 years ago after 50 years of marriage and I watch my FIL deal with it every day. I don't think it ever goes away for him but he has surrounded himself with family and his church family. I would like to see him do more activities outside the house, but, he doesn't. I also think women handle things better than men.

In closing, my heart and shoulder is here for you to lean on. I think your doing what needs to be done, family, friends and your forum family.

We love you.
Deborah-Mom w/PSP symp 9yrs+-diag. 6/04
received her wings January 10, 2008
Posts: 1170
Joined: Fri Jun 25, 2004 7:33 pm
Location: USA

Postby Crazy Mary » Tue Jan 06, 2009 12:40 am

Thank you all for your input. I am hanging in there it's just harder somedays to get my head and heart around his not being here with me.
I always told him I needed him more.
On a good note Mark got to call this morning around 3 am {he's in Irag}. He seems to be doing okay. It always helps to hear from him. He was calling from a computer. Thank God for that hi-tech stuff. Even if I will never know how to use some of it,it does have it's up sides.
I am going to see my GP tomorrow barring any complications. We are suppose to get some ice and snow in the morning and Jenny called and wants me watch Maddie in the morning,she's not feeling well. Jen said she thinks she may have pink eye. On top of that they had Jenny on bed rest over the weekend because of her pregnancy. That child worries me to death sometimes.
I think the busier the better,I just have to try to get a better handle on how I handle my emotions. The ache in my heart is so deep for him,that I just don't know how to stop it. I know it probably sounds crazy but even though he isn't here I still talk to him everyday and I write letters to him.
I hate what PSP has taken from me and my family.
On top of all this I am still fighting with the VA for my widows pension. The representative told me the other day it could be another 8 months before they make a decision. I need to get to work on my crafts so I can have atleast a little something coming in.
It was just easier when I had Bruce pushing me to make the things I did. He was always coming up with something new for me to make or work on. If someone would ask him if I could make something he would say I could. Then there I was on a new project. I wish I had taken some pictures of some of the things he came up with and had me make. The thing he talked the most about was a set of elk antlers we worked on together. They were huge,I made a dream catcher between the antlers and then we took a racoon hide and set that over the skull cap. I wrapped the tail around the front of it and put beads in the holes where the eyes would have been. We then set the whole thing on a log. People would walk up and check it out and the kids got a real kick out of it. Of course it sold right away,it just took the guy that got it all weekend to figure out how he was going to tell his wife what he was bringing home with him.
So many memories, but there should have been so many more for us.
wife of Bruce 54 years old diag.2003 symptoms since 2001. Freed of PSP on Aug. 19th 2008
Crazy Mary
Posts: 1239
Joined: Tue Mar 28, 2006 5:40 am
Location: USA

Postby Angel » Tue Jan 06, 2009 10:29 am

Mary, I know how you are feeling, as I feel the same. I'm not sure if you remember but I lost my husband to PSP 2 days before your husband.

I myself am having problems getting my mind into anything. I start a project in the house and before long i am walking aimlessly throughout the house feeling so terribly sick. I then go and curl up in bed so I can try and sleep the pain away. I am so terribly lonely without Drew i just don't know what to do. Then there are times I just can't stay at home and I will get in the car and just drive. I spend a lot of time at the cemetary with Drew. I have friends tell me to go to the doctor but what can he do. Like you, I don't want to take pills. And I am sure people are thinking, come on, move on. I don't know how I should be, but let's face it, it's only been 4 1/2 months. Cooking or fixing something for myself to eat is a whole other matter, i don't want to get into that.

Anyways Mary, I guess they same time helps, but oh the pain, I can't bare right now.

Take care, Mary Angela (Angel)
husband - Drew, age 63, diag. June 05,
symp. 9yr, received wings - Aug. 18/08
Posts: 35
Joined: Fri Mar 16, 2007 12:20 pm
Location: Ontario - Canada

Postby Crazy Mary » Tue Jan 06, 2009 3:32 pm

Angel and all, I did go see my GP of many years today. He was his understanding self as usual. He told me he could give me pills but he knew I probably wouldn't take them. That what I was feeling was natural and that there was nothing wrong with me talking to a picture or breaking down.
Then he let me have it bith barrells. He said to get out and excersise atleast a couple days a week, quit crying over what I can't change and work on my crafts,or whatever to keep busy. He told me what I already knew. That Bruce wouldn't want me to sit around and mourn him and nothing more. He said not to make a plan for the future that just the day. was good enough. Then he asked me a question that I have asked myself. "Are you upset because Bruce is gone or that this is a journey he had to take without you?". Being left behind he said is the hardest to deal with. He also told me that if I didn't pull my head out I wouldn't have to worry about missing Bruce,I'd be seeing him soon.
So,he gave me something to think about. It doesn't make me miss Bruce any less. But I need to take a day at a time and do something each day to go on with whatever this life has left for me.
He also told me I should work on making so more of the little people out of clay I use to make. I thought that was funny because several other people have mentioned them as well. So If I can get myself going I might try making atleast one this evening. If I get started maybe I can get enough different things made up to setup at a PowWow come spring.
Angel, hang in there we'll all get through this together.
wife of Bruce 54 years old diag.2003 symptoms since 2001. Freed of PSP on Aug. 19th 2008
Crazy Mary
Posts: 1239
Joined: Tue Mar 28, 2006 5:40 am
Location: USA

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